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Never Thought You'd Get to Monday, December 26, 2005
 
I wish I could say that I think I'm tired. No matter how much sleep I've gotten here at home, I can say it's never been enough. I know I'm tired.

The countdown is at five days. Milquetoast is how I feel about it and almost zilch is how it affects me. I'm feeling fine in regards to being the oldest one and not married and I'm feeling perfect in regards to everything. Though, I don't know how to get to the top of the world. A roadmap is still not available to me. Crap.

I wish I could do more for people. In a very special document that documents my life, past present and future, I'm told there that I have a special gift of nuturing people. What does one do to have that? How can I make it better? Blah blah blah.

There are so many secrets to be made; time for confession of the heart.
Never Thought You'd Get to Wednesday, December 21, 2005
 
Crunk Hits melt me. I am easily put into a state of calm once the thudding bass is audible. There can only be one plausible explanation for this, since most bedtime music includes ocean waves and violin strings - I love chaos. A lot of the hip hop that I enjoy daily is mumbling and manic; it is one outlet where it is safe to put all thoughts on different shelves withoutlabels. You like that beat? Throw it down. Write some lyrics about your moms to it. Done and done. I wish that my life was more gangsta sometimes, just so I could learn to not compartmentalize.

I love my dog, Twinkles; I am sad when I'm not with her. One of those times would be now, but I can't let her inside until the kitchen floor dries from mopping.
Never Thought You'd Get to Tuesday, December 20, 2005
 
The times that cause me to have the most emotional emissions are the moments when I realize that I am in complete silence. This rarely happens, with my penchant for surrounding myself with musically enriched friends, but today I've been sitting in a quiet room for at least two hours. Putting my thoughts to action and putting my actions down for posterity, I hardly noticed.

I've also been getting lost in the myspace vortex. I try not to look at those, since it brings me to a place outside of my comfort zone, but today was filled with opportunity. Somehow I found myself in a webring that was anorexic girls giving each other support to get down to the double digits. 99 pounds! 87 pounds! Thanks for the support! It was really frightening in general, seeing these twigs want to become broken sticks.

All the more petrifying was realizing that these girls were in Utah. Provo, more specifically. That is where I live and where I eat and where I consider myself healthy. And maybe even cute.

Though this may seem miles away from where my head is, I am feeling solemn now, because there are people in the world with more severe problems than me. Not only are these people found in the vague corners of the earth, but in my own backyard.
Never Thought You'd Get to Friday, November 25, 2005
 
I'm not gonna lie; even though this is the holiday week of November, I cannot wait for November 28, when the real adventure begins. Chris and I are starting a challenge that will never be forgotten.

And I won the french fry challenge.

Disneyland on Wednesday was awesome and Thursday's gravy was amazing.
Never Thought You'd Get to Monday, November 14, 2005
 
I don't know what he's after
He's so beautiful; a beautiful disaster


There have been many moments within the past two months that I've stopped to question my authority. Holding the reins on life is refreshing but responsible. I can whip out the handbook and tell the fisherman how to cook his fish and how to get the ironing board to fold down, but there is no handbook for knowing. A little bit of life change never hurt anyone, but it is sure giving me gas.

There was a 21st birthday yesterday that I could not hold in. The excitement poured and I was one with my 18 year old self again; the beauty of having friends for consecutive years in a row is that they can tell you where you've been, where you are and point you in the direction you want to go. Though 21 marks an age that cannot be touched, it also points to another year or two of living la vie supreme. My friend Steven cannot be touched, but he can also never be taken away from me.

The new house, the new roommates are superb. We argue about cute, mundane things, like having lights on or where to put the halloween pumpkins. The days of pushing and shoving over WhoAteWhat are over. Now, staring down the barrel of jumping into a completely different living situation, I'm trying to stay in the here and now to enjoy living with girls who are nothing like me, but who like me. That, and there is nothing like the midnight dance party.

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings I feel so small


My sister is getting married in a month or so and counting. I doubt that she is actually doing the counting, because she isn't the girl who makes paper chains to keep the days until Christmas straight. But she's very brave, that one. Braver than I ever was at that age. It makes me sound ancient, but I hardly remember 19. I barely remember yesterday.

And today I have pink eye.
Never Thought You'd Get to Monday, August 08, 2005
 
It just hit me like a flash; I think I grew up in about a minute and a half. I crossed the threshold by myself, without having to be delicately picked up and taken over.

My cell phone has been dropped in the toilet and has made quiet surging noises as it debated life and death. But as I was moistening it further in my silent tears, it came - would i want to be with me? If I were a potential charmer, would I think I was the diamond in the rough?

I've got some things to change. Some things to think over and alter and quiet frankly the only one I thought to come to was you. Probably the only one I would believe to tell me things straight; sure, there are other good sources, but sugar coating is so overindulgence upon in those scenarios.

One of those self-catharsis moments when I just need someone to cry with. Where did the good old days do and why is it that when I look ahead, it's all foggy and glittery? Just to cry and then make you feel better as you cry too, as you try to make me feel better. Maybe a night of that would fix things; and we'd prop ourselves up and turn some things around. I don't know what your case is, but I think it may be that we've come full circle and gotten to square one.

There's no good way to end this. But I guess if you need a zeitgeist cleansing experience, I'm available.

And I almost ran into a cop car.
Never Thought You'd Get to Tuesday, June 28, 2005
 
It's true! I've relocated in all of my glory. My new roommates are Peppy and Perky, which isn't really a bad thing. Perky is engaged to be married this August and Peppy is not yet engaged officially, but getting married in August. Megan always said that Utah was Boys Galore, but she never mentioned anything about it being Diamonds Galore. The new condo is fab and the neighbors are friendly. We've got ourselves a prime spot for the next two months, but then it's on to wherever we find to live at the end of August. But for now, the roommates think Megan and I are so funny and they wish that we could stay with them forever.

I feel quiteat home here and I'm all unpacked; we even went grocery shopping and bought fruit snacks! There are three levels to the condo, with the bedrooms on the 3rd floor, the kitchen and living room on the ground floor (2nd floor) and a storage space on the bottom floor; the bottom one has a treadmill on it! Now I can get those lean thighs I was always talking about. Anyway, I digress.

Working on me and my self-image and my how-to, essentially. I'm trying to be into what I truly am into, which is funny because I'm not too sure. Jazz? Sure, I'll ebay a Thelonius Monk CD. Not answering the door? That's me.

I just read my sister's xanga and I guess she's going to officially go on a Mexican cruise for her honeymoon. And she got a bad haircut. And I'm not sure why I care, but I do. I love her so.

Blah blah blah, I'm alive. That's what counts.

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